those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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