Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
