New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
