Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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