I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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