I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
