I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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