please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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