god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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