is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
