her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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