How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
