Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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