I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
