STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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