Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
