So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
