even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Randomize
