and next time when you feel me up, do it right
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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