if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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