im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
