dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
