Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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