Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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