Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
