Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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