Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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