If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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