once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
