I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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