so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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