well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
