I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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