How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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