You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Randomize
