I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
