My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
