I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
