bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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