Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
