Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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