The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize