Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
