By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
MIDGETS
????
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
