The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
