Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
