The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
