im about as happy as oj after his trial
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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