it was like eating out sand paper
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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