I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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