I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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