she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Let's paint friendship bongs
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
