she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
