Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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