dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
