Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
True strength comes from lack of pants
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
