would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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