i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
