if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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