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dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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