if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
